When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to change into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so critical about this dedication that I sold our largest rental property to release time. This property was imagined to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time faculty in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to mirror on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
To start with, fathers will at all times be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, identical to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied duties.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time caring for his kids than he does on his job or different actions, even by only one hour. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week caring for his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and side hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a father who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on caring for his youngsters. He may work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours along with his youngsters after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 30 hours every week of kid time. That is an extended 70 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Sorts Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Primarily based on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing quite a lot of work to care for his or her kids and earn revenue. All fathers have what’s known as a Provider’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to supply to various levels.
It’s also clear that being a part-time father will not be a adverse. Most dads work full-time to maintain their household. In the meantime, spending 20 to 30 hours every week with their kids is rather more than the average dad in America spends with his children every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, if you happen to’re a bodily and mentally in a position father who does not work a lot and does not spend time along with your youngsters, that may most likely be considered negatively. Nevertheless, I do not imagine any father studying this website would select to shirk each work and childcare duties.
If you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge accountability of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of creating wealth. The previous pay engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to seek out a super steadiness.
Fundamental Aim: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought-about being full-time fathers however are nervous in regards to the transition because of monetary worries and societal judgment. My aim is to provide males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they wish to.
Simply have a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that exhibits solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of girls who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am constructive if fathers felt much less monetary strain to supply and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the proportion can be a lot nearer to the proportion of girls who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Entire
Instances are altering, with extra girls attending school than males and extra girls incomes increased salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on the earth.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present revenue, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There’s additionally an awesome worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic method to dwell. With the ability to converse your thoughts and be who you wish to be are among the strongest benefits of financial independence. This freedom to dwell one’s true self can also be top-of-the-line causes for dwelling in San Francisco, the place there’s a higher acceptance of individuals of every kind.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at dwelling to boost their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you may really feel as a full-time father through the first three years of your kid’s life.
I take advantage of the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their kids to preschool by then, though daycare can also be a standard childcare choice.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment along with your baby, full therapeutic of the umbilical wire, determining feeding and sleep patterns, creating a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There is no such thing as a more durable job than full-time parenthood
If you happen to’re a brand new dad, the challenges will be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper adjustments to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may additionally be sleep-deprived as your infant wakes up each two to 4 hours.
Once I worked in banking, the hours had been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been at all times breaks the place I might unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can usually attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week through the preliminary years. You’ll be able to attempt to nap when your infant is sleeping, however there is no such thing as a assure you’ll sleep.
In the meantime, the price of trying away for greater than three seconds might lead to harm or worse to your baby. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Demise Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot increased for a full-time dad or mum if they are not doing their job.
If I miss a telephone name from a big consumer, no massive deal. I can at all times name my consumer again or e mail them. However there may not be any approach again if you happen to look away from a toddler.
Put together to your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you could mentally and bodily put together for the last word problem. Learn as many books as you’ll be able to about parenthood. Be taught parenting strategies that require endurance, understanding, and love. Get in the very best form of your life to maintain up along with your kids’s limitless vitality.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking doubtlessly 6 am – 9:30 pm nearly on daily basis. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of occasions a day for over 1,000 days in a row. Consequently, you’ll fry your nerves. Get noise-canceling headphones that can assist you survive your days!
2) You’ll have a more durable time becoming in and feeling welcome
If you take your infant to the playground on weekdays, you’ll possible be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Primarily based on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll possible not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs if you happen to’re trying to make pals. As your child grows older, you will see them recurrently because of weekly courses. Therefore, it would be good to get to know them considerably.
If you happen to attend any Dad’s Evening Out occasions, you might also really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads talk about their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day along with your kids may really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you are feeling uncomfortable.
You’ll be able to both lean into your full-time fatherhood position or point out different work endeavors you’re pursuing. As a father, you’ll be able to’t speak about taking part in pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As an alternative, you could talk about some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I informed individuals I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Buy This, Not That. I might have stated I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to raised slot in. I additionally did not wish to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a couple of yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As an alternative of feeling misplaced, you will embrace your position as a main caregiver extra strongly. As you wait to your confidence to develop, be happy with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a weak infant is a noble factor to do.
3) You will Lengthy to Return to Work for a Break from Full-Time Fatherhood
With no direct revenue coming in to your labor as a full-time father, chances are you’ll really feel extra harassed at occasions, particularly in case your spouse does not earn a lot or does not work.
Consequently, you will regularly ask your self when you need to return to work. You will do the mathematics concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession. The temptation to earn if you are nonetheless comparatively younger will possible overwhelm your want to stay a full-time father, so you’ll possible transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your baby turns three.
At three years previous, chances are you’ll gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. If you happen to solely have one baby, you’ll then really feel a powerful accountability to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, in case you have a number of kids, you’ll naturally wish to provide the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did to your first baby, if attainable. Therefore, with two kids, chances are you’ll find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three kids, your full-time fatherhood position might lengthen to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you should have a difficult time going back to work that pays you an identical wage to the one you left.
4) You Will Usually Really feel Like You are Not Doing Sufficient as a Full-Time Father
One of the vital irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that irrespective of how a lot you do, you’ll usually really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am positive full-time moms really feel the identical approach, as there may be an limitless quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, chances are you’ll really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true irrespective of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a toddler in your womb for 9 months and birthing a toddler that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and baby.
You will really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your kids select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend along with your kids, the extra the rejection will hurt.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a steadiness of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved once in a while, maintain the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or accomplice will not at all times really feel aid or happiness
In your distinctive scenario as a full-time father, chances are you’ll usually really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. Consequently, you may anticipate your spouse or accomplice to really feel happier and fewer harassed than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or accomplice will nonetheless really feel sad or harassed once in a while as a result of there are limitless childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s arduous to not carry work dwelling. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or accomplice might solely know what it is prefer to have a full-time father as a husband or accomplice and nothing else. Due to this fact, she might not respect your efforts as a lot as you anticipate, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a obligation that does not deserve particular recognition. In any case, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers might persistently overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my biggest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the luxurious of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. Once I wish to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is at all times dwelling. Moreover, we had the large assist of Silvia, our au pair, through the pandemic.
5) Witnessing Your Kid’s Milestones Will Make Your Efforts Value It
At this level, you may suppose being a full-time father seems like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s improvement milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness all the things out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months previous, you will be so proud when your baby lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months previous, nothing might be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, once they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you should have the most important proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase all of your doubts about giving up your profession and revenue. After about ten classes of making an attempt to show my son learn how to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was value greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Avenue.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your baby, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I like you.” That is once you really feel full.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the position of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you will possible discover it a rewarding determination.
Sure, your loved ones will most likely have less money with one much less working accomplice. I gave up many revenue alternatives to remain at dwelling. On the identical time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental revenue by way of Monetary Samurai and my books. You’ll rationally discover a method to earn on the aspect as nicely if you wish to.
For older mother and father, turning into a full-time father can also be a good way to make up for misplaced time. One in all my biggest regrets was having kids late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you’ll be able to compensate to your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you will not be their superhero as they’re going to desire to spend time with pals. Due to this fact, you’ve about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
If you happen to determine throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood will not be for you, you’ll be able to at all times transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to a few years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many staff return to graduate faculty for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not swimsuit me or if I wanted the revenue, I might have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you’ll be able to regularly shift extra of your waking hours in the direction of work and fewer in the direction of childcare as your kids get older.
For example, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second e book with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you’re unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father as a result of quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and endurance concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend faculty full-time, you’ll really feel happy realizing you tried your greatest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the children or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our youngsters will someday go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, someday as adults, they’re going to respect their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you will understand all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I have to fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week might be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours might be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate energetic revenue.
This energetic revenue is essential to complement my passive investment income and canopy my shortfall in desired dwelling bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of function now that my fatherhood duties have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, but it surely did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has offered me with helpful insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the boys on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t fret about societal judgments. In the end, comply with your coronary heart and pursue what holds true which means for you.
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there every other full-time fathers on the market? If you happen to’re presently a part-time father, have you ever ever considered transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you may wish to be a full-time father, your kids might already be in class full-time and extra desirous about spending time with pals?
Do you suppose there’s a greater hybrid strategy for fathers to steadiness childcare and revenue technology successfully?
Pay attention and subscribe to The Monetary Samurai podcast on Apple or Spotify. I interview consultants of their respective fields and talk about among the most fascinating matters on this website. Please share, charge, and evaluation!
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be a part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.